How to beat the winter blues by Dr Francis Napalm
Feeling cold? Got a cold? What next? Sit at home feeling miserable and bunged up? Not if you follow Dr Francis Napalm's tips. Read on !
What is a cold.
A cold is a nasty virus. That means that you can't kill the bastard, no matter how hard you try. Its much better to avoid it in the first the first place. If you do happen to catch one, then you will of course suffer horribly from excessive mucus production and other unpleasant symptoms.
What to do if you have caught a cold.
Firstly, don't even think about going to work. Stay at home. Ring up your place of work and tell them that you have a virulent strain of the flu. They will generally say 'oh dear - there has been a bit of that going about' but if they are in the slightest bit funny about it, tell them that your doctor has told you that this is a particularily vicious version which thrives in air conditioning, and that he is considering sending the environmental health inspectors to close down the business. That will shut them up. Being at home, you will immediately feel 10 times better. I recommend that you commence curative therapy straight away. You will need a large bottle of spirits. Personally, I'd go for vodka, but the choice is yours. Wrap yourself up in a thick blanket or even better a really thick duvet, pop the telly on, and your heating on full, then drink your entire bottle of alcohol whilst watching Richard and Judy, Montel, Bob The Builder, The Weakest Link, etc. When you wake up the next morning you will feel much, much better - but not so well that you can go to work. Repeat the treatment outlined above either until you are bored of daytime TV or until your manager rings up and threatens to fire you unless you can produce a sicknote.
Prevention is better than cure.
Prevention is indeed better than the cure. However it is also more expensive. The only surefire way to avoid the miserable British winter and the inevitable bout of runny nose discomfort is to leave the country in late September. Fly to somewhere warm and pleasant, for example Australia or Florida (but watch out for hurricanes) and stay there until May.
If this is too expensive for you, but you still wish to take proactive steps to avoid catching a cold, you can instead stay in your house for the same period. You must make sure that you do not set foot out of your home during this time. Ideally you should employ someone to do anything which involves leaving the house.
Conclusions.
In my expert medical opinion, its probably more beneficial to actually catch a cold. It will cost a lot less than avoiding it, and you get the chance to catch up on Countdown and children's TV. Last time I had a cold, I was able to get some very valuable decorating tips during 'House Invaders' so it was in fact a beneficial experience.