Number 1: How not to die under the feet of an elephant.
You never know when you might find yourself having to fight off an angry bull elephant. Of course, such things are second nature to me, with my vast experience and survival skills. But I want to share some of my knowledge. I want to share it with you, so perhaps one day you will survive an elephant attack rather than being trampled, horribly, to death.
I'm here in the depths of the African savannah. And it's hot. At least 120 degrees. In the shade. So the first thing you're going to need is water. And a lot of it. I have a bottle of water here. But I didn't bring it with me. I used my skills to find the water from nature. Specifically from the stomach of this crocodile here. By simply holding it under water so it nearly drowned and then putting my fingers down his throat I managed to get nearly 3 litres of regurgitated water. Mmmm lovely! But do take care because crocodiles have a habit of biting fingers off. I've shot this one now, so he's no trouble to anyone.
The joy of the open savannah is it's openess. Just you and nature. Fantastic. But not all of nature is fantastic. Some of it is quite dangerous. Unless of course you know how to deal with it. I've constructed a handy trap to keep lions away. All I've done is to dig a deep pit all around my camp using a wood and flint axe. Simple. And in the bottom I've put big spiked sticks. No lion is going to get across that and survive. And if I catch one it'll make a good wholesome dinner tomorrow.
The other thing that you are going to need out here is a good fire. It gets quite cold here at night. And you need something to cook on. And a fire will help keep some of the larger and more man-eating creatures at bay. Fires are simple to make. For my fire I'm using some sticks and branches and some dry grass to help light it. Now, if you haven't got matches you can still light your fire. I'm going to use the eye of the crocodile I killed earlier as a makeshift lens to focus the sun on the grass. The heat of the sunlight will light the grass and pretty soon I'll have a nice fire to keep me warm and cook dinner.
The crocodile has also provided something else. A good crocodile steak. And very tasty it is too. And I've taken the skin off and that'll make a nice warm blanket tonight. If you're going to tackle a rampaging elephant, you really do need a good night's sleep.
Mornings in this part of Africa are very refreshing. Instead of the bird song you get back home, you get the sound of howling hyena and the distant call of mating giraffes. And closer to my campsite is the sound of the moaning of a fatally wounded lion impaled on the spikes of my ditch. And that means that I have fresh meat for breakfast.
Cooking lion isn't too tricky. I just slice off the outer layer, which is the fur and skin, and put that to one side. You'll find out why in a bit. Next, slice a few fairly thin chunks of flesh off and then fry them up just like bacon. Lovely.
Of course there is one problem with eating. Just as I might track animals by what they leave behind, they might also track you. So in the bush you do need to be careful about your toilet habits. That's where the lion skin comes in handy. If you wipe with the lions fur not only is it soft but the scent of the lion will help to disguise the smell of your waste.
So now we have the basics of living out here in the bush, it's time to find that elephant. Tracking an elephant can be difficult, but there are a few tips which can help. Firstly, look out for bent or trampled grass. This may be a sign a large animal has passed by. Secondly look out for their dung. You can tell how fresh it is by feeling it. If it's still warm the elephant is not far away. Thirdly, listen. Elephants make a lot of noise, whether they are crashing through the bush or roaring.
If the crashing through the bush is getting nearer to you, it's a sign the elephant is approaching, and may in fact be charging. You can be sure that it is charging you if it is visible and running towards you in an agressive manner. A charging elephant is a fascinating sight. It always amazes me that such a large creature can actually run. And the ground literally shakes. But when the elephant gets quite close enough that you can easily make out it's wild staring eyes it is time to consider survival techniques.
The simplest way of dealing with a charging elephant is to leap in a fast four wheel drive and get away as quickly as possible. The other way is to shoot them, provided you have a very big gun. However, I prefer to merely run as fast as possible to the nearest group of trees and climb as high as possible. So far this has worked quite well for me, but do remember to not leave running away until too late.
The native folk around here have a saying. They say "mah qzabba ju" and I think that says it all.