Dr Francis Napalm's extensive medical knowledge is harnessed here to provide the answer for all you very fat, obese people: Dr Francis Napalm's diet.
Unique, in that you can continue to consume vast quantities of food, this diet relies on a couple of simple facts: 1 - the more beer you drink, the more you need the toilet, and 2 - the more cigarettes you smoke the less you need to eat.
Just follow these simple daily instructions and after a week you will have lost weight.
Start on a Monday. You should always start doing anything you don't really want to do on a Monday, because you're probably already feeling bad. So starting from a Monday, follow these meal plans carefully:
Monday: Breakfast. Don't bother - set your alarm 30 minutes late. Rush to work having several (at least 2) cigarettes on the way instead of breakfast.
Lunch. Have a coffee. And some cigarettes, and possibly a packet of crisps.
Tea/Dinner. Chicken Balti and Boiled Rice. Also, a four pack of lager.
Tuesday: Breakfast.See Monday
Lunch. Two pints of Guiness
Tea/Dinner. Stop at the pub after work/children's tv. Drink 10 pints of Guiness or 8 pints of strong ale (not lager), smoke 40 cigarettes. Forget to eat before you go to bed.
Wednesday: Follow Monday's instructions.
Thursday: Breakfast. A milky way.
Lunch. A couple of cigarettes, a can of diet Coke and a small sausage roll.
Tea/Dinner: Kebab meat and chips, and 8 cans of strong lager.
Friday: Breakfast. A cup of tea and 5 cigarettes.
Lunch. 3 pints of Guiness
Tea/Dinner. 12 pints of Guiness, 3 double vodkas and at least 60 cigarettes. A kebab OR a balti. Walk home from town.
Saturday: Sleep all day.
Get up and have 20 cigarettes, and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. Go back to bed.
Sunday:Sleep until at least 2 pm.
Tea/Dinner. Two pieces of toast and one small tin of beans
Congratulations. You will now have lost quite a lot of weight. You will also have a chronic stomache upset and require the toilet every 2 hours at least. This condition will persist for several days, but DON'T WORRY this will only aid your weight loss. If you can stick with this diet for several weeks you will lose a LOT of weight.
I have used this diet myself occasionally, and it works a treat.
Before - fat and miserable.
After - thin and happy !